Pompeii No Way

 

I couldn’t stay away from the combination of disaster movie/sand and sandals epic, Pompeii, this weekend. I’ve had a soft spot for the events of August 24, A.D 79 ever since National Geographic published an article on Herculaneum in May 1984. Reading about the amazing discoveries there helped cement my determination to major in Anthropology a few years later. I didn’t study classics, or shift into physical anthropology, but I have maintained a dilettante’s interest in the subject of Vesuvius’s eruption ever since. So it was with a little more than a layman’s knowledge that I entered the theatre. Such was my undoing.

First, the story was so incredibly predictable and re-hashed, I couldn’t even watch the actors most of the time, I was so embarrassed for them. Hero orphaned by awful Romans, check. Hero turns into awesome fighter in the gladiatorial arena, check. Hero is a horse whisperer and impresses Heroine by breaking a horse’s neck, check. Wait, what? Okay, that whole scene made no sense. Heroine is daughter of a rich, influential man but is mysteriously attracted to a slave, check. Hero is set upon by fellow gladiators and grudgingly befriended by his rival, check. Villain is an alpha-hole to Heroine and also happens to be the bad guy who orphaned our Hero seventeen years prior, check. Oh, I can’t even go on any longer, it’s all so sadly unimaginative it makes me gnash my teeth. Even a cursory reading of a popular book on the subject of Pompeii would provide so many wonderful plots and ideas it’s almost as if the writers were forced at pen-point to use only tired clichés.

Second, the behaviors and attitudes of all the major characters were so wildly inappropriate it made me wince as I watched. The Heroine somehow has a distaste for the Roman aristocracy even though she’s the living embodiment of it. She also inexplicably rides off with the (slave) Hero after a minor earthquake even though there’s absolutely nowhere for them to go, and after about two minutes they give up and come back to the villa. At that point, I wouldn’t have been surprised if the Heroine announced she was vegan and wanted to make sure her carbon footprint was as small as possible. The Villain was relentless in his pursuit of this unappealing (by the standards of the day) young woman, even in the face of enormous projectiles of flaming magma exploding all around him. The Hero just glowered and hit people, which brings me to my next point.

Third. Lots. Of. Fighting. So many stabbing swords, thumped shields, wielded chains, swinging fists, and thrown spears I was sick of it after the first fifteen minutes even though I had to endure another hour of it. Why filmmakers default to gladiatorial characters when they make a Roman era movie is beyond me. We’ve seen death in the arena so many times it’s not interesting anymore. Why not write about the traders who brought in luxury goods from all over the empire? Or borrow an idea from Robert Harris’s great book, conveniently titled Pompeii, and make a film based on the amazing achievements of Rome’s hydraulic engineers?

The only reason I’m not upset I spent seven dollars on this thing was because the CGI folks did a great job. I loved all the panning shots of ancient Pompeii and the eruption of Vesuvius made me gasp out loud. There was some inaccuracy in how they portrayed the stages of the eruption, but a casual viewer would never pick up on it. A great book to check out in relation to how the eruption occurred and what happened hour by hour in Pompeii and Herculaneum is Charles Pellegrino’s Ghosts of Vesuvius.

If you are after visual thrills and chills of the toga sort, Pompeii should work for you. If you want to care about the characters before they are incinerated in a pyroclastic cloud, skip the movie and read one of the books I mentioned above.

Turn Ons and Turn Offs

I’ve been thinking about tropes and clichés in writing quite a bit lately, both because of interesting posts I’ve read and because I’m trying to refine my author ‘brand’ (oh how I hate that term). After three rejections of my latest manuscript, I feel like I’m either not hitting the mark or I’m really going off into the writing wilderness. To be clear, I know I’m not writing the 'auto-buy' norm in my genre, so let’s just go with the idea that I’m avoiding the commonplace and blazing my own path. There, that feels better than just being a failure.

I was browsing at the fabulous Worthington Public Library, http://www.worthingtonlibraries.org/  this afternoon and realized it doesn’t take me long to reject a book and about ten times as long to find one to check out. So I can somewhat understand editors evaluating submissions making the same split-second decisions, but I do believe it’s incumbent on these gatekeepers to not offer up the same old storylines and archetypes time after time because they are missing new markets of people like me who avoid them as soon as I read the back cover. So this one goes out to editors, agents, and publishers everywhere; Lynn Rae’s lists of fiction Turn Ons and Turn Offs, since I know they are so desperate for my business.

As soon as I see these words or phrases I put the book down:

-any title with ‘Duke’ in it

-vampires or were-anythings

-billionaires

-a protagonist younger than twenty-five

-‘hiding a secret’, 'scarred', or 'walled-off'

-any allusion to psychological problems that warrant therapy/pharmaceuticals, not the magic cure all of sex and/or tracking down a serial killer

-made-up names with lots of paired vowels, consonants, and apostrophes. Can’t pronounce them in my head and can’t keep track of the characters as I’m reading

-protagonists having a fabulous career in unbelievable ways; cupcake maker, corporate art consultant, self-employed international terrorism expert, cocktail designer. Just no.

-a child in peril

Now that I’ve revealed my curmudgeon tendencies, I’ll lighten the mood and list the terms and topics that make me pick up a book instantly

-natural history. Give me dinosaurs, giant squid, sharks, fungus, viruses, and the genetic modification of any or all and I’m on board

-protagonists with appropriate amounts of self-awareness and life skills

-accurate depictions of small town life

-natural disasters and pandemics (but not most zombie apocalypses because the science is nearly always bad)

-protagonists who make clothing, art, food, or gardens as hobbies

-books set in places I’ve been, if only for me to see if the author can communicate that setting to me

There. Looking this list over, I can see I hit the reject button on about seventy-five percent of popular fiction. Hmm…does that mean I’m too picky or does it mean there are a lot of similar books on those shelves?

My Fantasy

There it is...the repository of hopes and dreams...

No, not that kind of fantasy. I’m talking about daydreams here, the stuff that creeps into your head when you’re waiting at a red light and there’s nothing riveting on the radio to distract you from your thoughts.

Here’s one of mine and if you share one of yours in the comments, I might just send you a copy of my latest book, Return.

It’s no secret that I love to shop second-hand. I have ever since I was a kid, and the impulse only strengthened once I got my own car and could stop at any garage sale that caught my eye. So for nearly thirty years I’ve been hitting the mismatched racks and cluttered tables of thrifts. It’s hit or miss and always has been. Sometimes I lament the lack of cool vintage stuff that I found with ease years ago, but I’m really grateful for like-new kids clothes now, so the trade-offs seem worth it.

So, on to my fantasy.

I’m in a thrift store, medium-sized with good lighting and a clean floor (this is a fantasy, after all). I start going through the racks and nothing falls off the hangars as I pull and check labels. Nothing good, nothing good, until I hit a possible. Pull it out; a perfect pair of chinos, right size, no wear, quality manufacturer. The next hangar holds a great seersucker pair of trousers, and next is jeans I’m sure will fit just right.

I toss everything into the cart and keep going. The cart’s wheels all work properly and there’s no sticking or squeaking (see, I warned you it was a fantasy). Next is a red cashmere cardigan, then a couple of perfect white shirts, a black alpaca scarf, and at the end of the aisle, a narrow metal mesh belt, exactly what I’ve been in search of for the last year and a half.

The cart’s filling up and my heart is pounding. Should I keep looking or accept I’ve had the finds of a lifetime and head to the counter to pay up while my luck still holds? I’m not much of a gambler, so I make my way to the front only to be distracted by it; an English trench coat, just my size, zip-out lining still in place and nothing weird left in the pockets. Mine!

Now the fear hits me as I approach the display cases. Will I be able to find some cool piece of jewelry to cap off all my fabulous fashion? I peer through the glass at trays of plastic stretch bracelets and trashy necklaces from the state fair midway, sure I’ve used up my luck for the day. But no, I spy something, the edge of something enameled and gold-tone. I have to see it. Wonder of wonders, a staff person is actually there and ready to help and she pulls out what I ask to see with no trouble. Yes, it’s a vintage Trifari dragon necklace, bright green with angry red beaded eyes, without a scratch or sign of wear. It’s only five dollars and I immediately head into line, keeping my eye on the necklace as the clerk carries it to the person running the register.

Everything rings up correctly and I have enough money to pay (again, fantasy). I experience that thrill of discovery and possession that I imagine is hardwired in a hunter-gatherer’s psyche. Instead of finding the best berry patch or tender-fleshed mammoth, I’ve gotten some stylish clothes for ninety percent off retail. We modern human have to take our thrills where we can.

Next time, maybe I’ll tell you my food fantasy. Or maybe even one of those fantasies. Remember, leave a comment about your fantasy and your email for a chance to get a copy of my latest book.

Secret Cravings Blog Hop

 

Did you get a new tablet or e-reader for the holidays?

Looking to fill it with some great books?

Looking to romance away the winter blahs?

Then stop by all the great SCP authors blogs for a chance to win some great romance novels?

Go to EVERY SCP author link and find the letters to spell out Secret Cravings Publishing

Each author has been assigned a letter. Look for the snowflake with that author's letter and once you have spelled out the phrase, email your answers (match up the letter to the author*) to reviewcoordinator@secretcravingspublishing.com

*Some letters are used twice but that just means two authors have the same letter. You cannot use the same author for the same letter.

Aside from the individual authors' special prizes, SCP has some great prizes to offer too

Grand Prize- iPad 2

First Place- Kindle HDX

Second Place- $50 SCP gift certificate

Third Place- $25 SCP gift certificate

 

Head back to the main page here:

http://secretcravingspublishing.blogspot.com/



Winners will be notified by February 4, 2014

 

In addition to collecting your letters and reporting back to Secret Cravings for a chance at all those great prizes, leave a comment here for a chance to win my SCP book, Bent Boot Road

 

http://store.sweetcravingspublishing.com/index.php?main_page=products_all&filter_author=151&zenid=37c462404371758fc8652a82d3f08a00

 

 



Lydia Back has problems; a dead end job cataloging artifacts no one wants to see, an office in a dusty basement storage room, and she’s just discovered that her friend is missing.  Adding to her frustrationis the arrival of a too-charming private investigator who needs her help.

Carter Harris has no problems; he has his own successful business and is enjoying a few days in a scenic southern Ohio town to gather information on a missing professor.  But his local contact turns out to be an uncooperative woman who prefers traipsing around in the forest to having a civilized conversation with him.

They begin to uncover the secrets that lurk under the surface of other people’s lives and also discover an inconvenient attraction.  When danger looms, both Carter and Lydia realize it will be impossible to survive without each other.

Listen, Santa

Christmas is almost upon us, and thanks to my son’s ever-expanding list of things he’s hoping will magically appear under the tree, free from the constraints of money, availability, or time, I’ve decided to make my own list of dream LEGO themes. Once the holidays are here and gifts are unwrapped, I know I’m going to be assisting in the construction of quite a few sets (thanks grandparents and Santa!) and my fingers will be sore until after New Year’s.

1.      Star Trek, first Classic, then TNG. Why hasn’t this licensing agreement happened yet? I want a rocky planet set complete with a green Gorn and a cute mommy Horta. Not so thrilled with the idea of a bridge, but I’d go for sick bay and engineering in a heartbeat. The mini figures would be so fun. Kirk would have several heads to cover all his facial expressions and imagine all the different forehead designs for Klingons over the years.

2.      Jurassic Park. Please! LEGO did the dinosaur hunters sets, but I want Muldoon and Ian Malcom mini figures. The park control room would be fun to build and there could be breakaway walls and windows for the velociraptor attacks. Cool functions, as my son says. Sadly, LEGO would have to include packets of fake blood for realism and that might upset the kids.

3.      The Walking Dead. Herschel’s farm, Dale’s camper, the prison, all would be fantastic constructs. Imagine a whole herd of walker mini figures, some missing their tiny little hands. Gruesome but fun. The special, limited edition set would feature Daryl, his crossbow, motorcycle, and his brother Merle with a modified slicer arm. Again, gruesome, but fun.

4.      Ice age. No, not the movies, but caves, fires, smilodons, wooly mammoths, and all sorts of cool stone tool accessories for fur clad figures. They could even create a frosty clear blue brick by the thousands to have a glacier set.

5.      A cruise ship. My son and I have discussed this one extensively. Pool deck, buffet, cabins, casino, engine room, bridge, elevators, all could be standalone sets eventually assembled into a whole ship.

While we’re at it, I think it would be incredibly fun to have some themed mystery figure series. For those of you unfamiliar, Lego puts out different groupings of individual mini figures in tiny bags. When you buy it, you have no idea what’s inside, which is part of the fun. I think it would be great to have a Star Wars series, classic 80’s television characters (Mr. T! Buck Rogers! Magnum P.I.!), or literary heroes.

I have a feeling I won’t be seeing any of these on the shelves in the future, but I can dream.

An Early Christmas Gift

Before the holiday season gets in full swing, I just wanted to let everyone know that I have a free read available on the Musa Publishing site. It's the prequel to my novel Return. Despite the beautiful Christmas cover, the story actually takes place in the spring, but since it's a free gift in December, it's appropriate.
So download it, read it, and if you want to find out what happens to Evelyn next, consider buying the rest of her and James Winchester's story.

http://musapublishing.com/index.php?main_page=product_info&cPath=17&products_id=700&zenid=2c8ae8f6bd429506951c7f17f389ad2f

Impending Failure

This is me.
Or at least this is the look I have in my eye as I face my impending NaNoWriMo failure. I've participated several times and always managed to meet the goal by the end of the month, but November 2013 has been my undoing. Too many days off from school for my son, too many other pulls on my time, so I will not reach 50,000 words by the end of the weekend. I'm at close to 40,000 and planned on it being about 60,000 by its conclusion.
Never fear, I am like the steady tortoise and will finish this manuscript mostly because it's pretty good already and I don't like to leave things undone for my characters. I've really enjoyed the research I've done for this book and have learned a lot about costume jewelry, the parts of a bar set up, and how to use ricotta cheese in ice cream.
It's good to fail every now and again. It teaches you perspective. And my perspective at this point is I'd rather be 10,000 words behind on a manuscript than be an angry-looking tortoise covered in some sticky brown substance. No wonder she looks outraged.